We're all in this together

One night, I had two related dreams. The first was in a large, warehouse-like building with several couches laid out in the middle. I sat with some other guys, and realized I had a guitar in my hands. I started strumming something, and everyone else joined in. I thought to myself "I'm so glad I learned how to play the guitar". Then I woke up for a few minutes, only to fall back asleep. My next dream was in what looked like a classroom, with other students learning how to play guitar, and our teacher was Gregory House. Again, I remember feeling glad to be learning how to play guitar.

Conclusion: I need to learn how to play guitar (again).

While I am pretty serious about this idea on its own, it really brought some things to the forefront that had been on my mind somewhat recently. It seems to me that I take a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from expressing myself, and I've been thinking recently that I ought to explore other outlets for that creativity. I used to be so creative as a kid...I was always drawing or building something. My mom recently dug up a bunch of old paintings and artwork from elementary school, and I couldn't believe I had done them. How I could have thought up the stuff I put on paper is beyond me, and I think a lot of it lies in the fact that I literally lacked self-consciousness. I just did stuff. I don't know what capacity I'd have to do any of it today, but I think I'd like to try my hand at it again. Painting, drawing, who knows? Maybe I'll find something I love. The guitar dreams reminded me of this neglected creative world, and I'm thinking now that maybe that might be part of the key to future happiness. It feels good to really want to do something, and more than that I think, it would be nice to do something purely for its own end. It's like my writing, I suppose. I don't write perhaps as often as I like, but when I do it's usually one of the most enjoyable things I'll do all day. And yet, I'll never put any of it to any practical use - it's not going to be published anywhere, and even up until now I didn't even put most of it anywhere anyone else could see it. It is a significant act in itself, sincere and complete. I would like to find a way for my life to be more like that.

I am surrounded by people with plans. They all know what they'll do in a couple years, or at the very least, they know what they want to do. I've become more and more concerned by my lack of such a plan, or really of any identifiable passion to do something. I think I'm passionate about living, but it's hard to put a finger on what that means, or to select a profession or lifestyle that I would consider appropriately sincere to that passion. I feel like I've put in so much time walking the line, hearing about only a handful of socially valid choices that I can make as far as how I will spend my life, and as I near the end of my educational career, I feel afraid that I can't seem to find my niche. However, I take heart in the fact that, for the most part, those people that I count on the most, the people that represent the only certainties in my life, are largely in the same boat. Having spoken to most of them in the past couple days, I've heard similar accounts of these concerns, which is comforting in a couple of ways. For one, I'm not alone in this, and for all the dopes I see compiling their resumes, at least I know the people I respect most are similarly stumped by this predicament. Maybe having no future plans and an ever-increasing desire to live like vagabonds is just what cool people do, and it's just all the uninteresting people that keep the world turning. That'd be nice.

But the notion that my closest friends are experiencing the same doubts as me also comforts me in another way, maybe a way that I didn't want to admit for fear of seeming weak or needy or some other nonsense - that maybe we each can't find something for ourselves to do because the best thing we could be doing is doing something with each other. Maybe after all the doubts we've undergone, it will be the certainties that have been there all along and provided our support that will shape our future.

And maybe it will be greater than anyone could reasonably hope for. And maybe we won't even have to pad our resumes to do it.

A lot of people have called me self-confident, even arrogant. I know that the things I've said and done have been worthy of that judgment, especially when I was younger. But it seems that as I get older, I am less and less sure of myself. However, for as much as I have started doubting myself in recent years, my respect and awe at the character and ability of my friends has only grown. So again, I may be too arrogant in this thought, but I have this gut feeling that my friends are special. That they alone, more than all the ages of people to have come before, possess an unparalled brilliance and understanding of life. I think they could change the world, and I want to be a part of it.

If we're really all in this thing together, if we're realizing that we've looked around at the possibilities being shown to us and found them distasteful, if we don't know how we're going to fit in the molds we've seen, then maybe fear about the future is unnecessary. If we're in this thing together, then maybe the excitement I'm starting to feel about all the unthought possibilities open to us is more appropriate.

At the very least, we can start a band. Maybe you'll listen to us someday.