Ennui

So, Kenny's dad died this week, and most of what's happened since then has been framed and bounded by that fact. I honestly admit I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did...I tend to be pretty detached from other peoples' troubles, but this one really hit me. I think it's because, unlike most of the shit I and most other people fuss over, this was something undeniably huge, lifechanging, and entirely out of his control. I feel like we bring most of our problems on ourselves, but this came out of nowhere and there's arguably nothing he could have done. After I heard, and even though it didn't happen to me, Kenny and I both agreed that everything else suddenly seemed very unimportant. Aside from my sadness over Kenny's loss, I felt at that moment extremely restless, and my own complacency was brought to my attention again. I felt like I wanted to get up and go somewhere far away, maybe as a way of validating the life that I still had and Kenny's dad suddenly didn't. I'm not exactly sure why, but since then I've been rather unenthusiastic about my classes and activities, and I was anxious for the weekend which ironically found me in my room, trapped by the overcast sky which seeped in and turned everything gray. I love this weather, but it always puts me in a reflective mood, which can be dangerous and/or pointless.

I've decided I want a bonsai tree. It will sit on the ledge of the window, right next to my desk. And chimes, which remind me of late afternoon sun.