I've decided I need to move forward on many fronts. I've stagnated too long, and have spent too much time thinking and waiting, rather than learning, doing, and getting all the crap in my head out into the light where I can do something creative with it. I keep having the urge to develop my creative abilities, without really knowing what purpose it will serve. I enjoy writing, just like I enjoy music, but I don't know if I like those things for their own merits, or if I'm trying to use them as tools to figure out another problem. I worry that if it's the latter case, I won't be able to stick with it long enough to really create anything of value, but I think I still have to try. I'm paying more attention to my writing - amount, frequency, and quality. Yesterday afternoon I started writing what may be a long term project. I'm not quite sure what it is yet, but it's grounded in my own experience and will likely be largely autobiographical. While I want to tell some kind of story, calling it fiction would be a stretch. I've never approached a major project like this before, and I think I need to spend some time in developing my ideas for characters and story - really decide what I'm writing, and maybe more importantly, why.
On the music front I'm considering taking some classes when I get back to school, probably some kind of composition class along with regular musical theory. I'll also probably find some way to take piano lessons, and hopefully bring the keyboard from home to New York.
I'm going to use my time to create things.
I'm tempted to post what I've written so far, but I'm going to refrain and actually take this thing to a conclusion and polish it first. If it ends up being multiple chapters, maybe I'll post as I go. I'm still working through basically everything about this story - I really have no idea what I'm doing. At the moment I want to just see where my ideas take me and pass judgment later, but it's extremely slow going without really knowing what or why I'm writing. I think I will work on character development first. I wrote two things about the main character at the end of the page, and I think I'll see if I can find more things about him that will flesh out his character. Though honestly, I may just write it as if he is me, or hell, just write it from first person. Dunno yet, but here's what I wrote:
- He has conversations with himself. Whether there are people around or no, it's a rare thing when he isn't talking with himself.
- He creates symbols, and he knows it.
Anyways, time to call it a night. Got silly Chinese class to go to. Funny how I always end up trivializing where I am, even in freakin' China.
One more thing. I'm thinking the time has come for me to speak to a counselor of some sort, maybe seek some sort of medical help for what I've finally admitted is likely clinical depression. I don't know exactly how I feel about all of this yet, but I've acknowledged the fact that I refuse to have another semester or year like the last one, and something needs to be done, even if that something requires more than just my personal effort.
I'd welcome all of your thoughts.
- Bryan
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6 comments:
Im really glad youve decided to take a more proactive stance on life. I too recently have decided to hell with thinking about every damn thing, just go out and do shit and get some experiences. I feel like music can be a great tool not only for self-expression, but also can be a means to happiness. We all know how much a song can tug on those emotional strings. This is good. If you need someone to talk to man, u know my number.
Ya know, I stared this comment with the first words of this sentence right before i went on a nefarious coding binge trying exorcise the demons out of my program. (Really other people's programs which is a large part of the problem but w/e). I was going to write something fantastically interesting, thought provoking, and heartfelt, but the aforementioned binge has left me devoid of ways to communicate with other humans. (I speak only machine now).
I was looking for one specific link to show you but I guess this one will have to do this one in particular i like:
Happiness
Because I lack the mental coherence to communicate effectively in anything other than C# at the moment, please expand upon what "He creates symbols and he knows it means."
yes
I suppose what I was thinking when I wrote that was that he(/I?) enjoys imbuing things with meaning in his mind and making them into more than what they are, at least in his sight. For instance, the jacket he wears. It's not just a jacket, it's his jacket, the jacket. It's like he's setting up important props in a stage play, bringing things into his own personal narrative of his life. It's a kind of sentimental attachment - he puts something of himself into those things, and they comfort him in return. When he is surrounded by those things, he feels like he is fully himself, or maybe even more than himself.
Ain't nothing wrong with seeing someone for depression. More people do it than you'd think. They just don't tell people.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30086876&id=1096260009#/photo.php?pid=30086886&id=1096260009
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