Ennui

So, Kenny's dad died this week, and most of what's happened since then has been framed and bounded by that fact. I honestly admit I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did...I tend to be pretty detached from other peoples' troubles, but this one really hit me. I think it's because, unlike most of the shit I and most other people fuss over, this was something undeniably huge, lifechanging, and entirely out of his control. I feel like we bring most of our problems on ourselves, but this came out of nowhere and there's arguably nothing he could have done. After I heard, and even though it didn't happen to me, Kenny and I both agreed that everything else suddenly seemed very unimportant. Aside from my sadness over Kenny's loss, I felt at that moment extremely restless, and my own complacency was brought to my attention again. I felt like I wanted to get up and go somewhere far away, maybe as a way of validating the life that I still had and Kenny's dad suddenly didn't. I'm not exactly sure why, but since then I've been rather unenthusiastic about my classes and activities, and I was anxious for the weekend which ironically found me in my room, trapped by the overcast sky which seeped in and turned everything gray. I love this weather, but it always puts me in a reflective mood, which can be dangerous and/or pointless.

I've decided I want a bonsai tree. It will sit on the ledge of the window, right next to my desk. And chimes, which remind me of late afternoon sun.

Questions of serious importance (to my presidential candidacy)

I'm putting these down now, and I'll address them sometime soon - most likely on Tuesday. I really want whoever reads this blog (all 3 of you) to weigh in on these:

Why do people need God? (Extra credit, what would an atheistic world look like?)

Upon what foundation is justice based? Is our understanding of justice influenced by religion? Can (should) all be held accountable to a baseline secular law? Should people be allowed to vote on the basis of their religious beliefs alone, even though their decisions may affect people who believe differently?

Is evangelism (with or without programs for social justice) a good thing?

Set go.

In dreams, we remember how to fly

I've mentioned this before, but at various times during and certainly after my return to New York, this last summer has felt truly dreamlike, and while this was merely an interesting sensation at the time, the more I dwell on it the more I am troubled by it. When I returned to school, I immediately sought out a comfortable niche for myself, and while I think I've already taken great strides to make my experience this year far superior to last year's debacle, already I see the signs of habituation and comfort taking their toll on the ambition I had at summer's end. During the final days of August I was genuinely restless, chomping at the bit to get back to work and take what I saw to be the next step for my life. I felt like I was on the verge of something, and while some of the perspective that these last months have afforded me remains and has contributed to the growth I've undergone, I feel slightly disappointed by the anti-climactic nature of my return. Once again, I find it hard to see where I'm going, and although I've been much more active at school and in the city, and feel as if I'm getting more use out of the opportunities afforded to me by simply being in such an amazing city, even this more exciting lifestyle feels as if it has become routine. I used to write this blog daily, and now I'm having trouble scraping enough cognition together to write a blurb a week. I feel disconnected from this summer, remember it as if it was lived by someone else, but I remain amazed by everything I experienced over such a short amount of time. I suppose returning to the same place and similar activities after vacation would likely have this effect, and I'm not sure exactly what else I was expecting to happen, but I hope I never forget how I felt at the end of my time back home.

I suppose this kind of growth is slow.

On the lighter side, everyone go here:
http://tighroslin.com/

Hope everyone is well. I'd really like to hear what everyone's up to these days.

Paul, hope you're feeling better after last night. Remember that feeling and have mercy on me. :)

Can you do me a favor and tell me what I'm supposed to say now?

Lunch was at chipotle again today, as maintenance still has not fixed my fridge. Kenny and I are in line after this girl who looked to be wearing leather shoes and knee-high multicolor striped socks. She looked like some kind of Eastern European schoolgirl.

After I asked for lots of cheese and guacamole...
Girl: (earnestly) You're amazing!
Me: (long pause) ...yeah? Um, thanks.

Apparently she was complimenting me on my confidence in demanding an adequately sized burrito, but for several seconds I had no idea what the hell she was talking about.

Still Flyin'

So, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, just been busy scratching out a little niche for myself back in nyc and working hard to get everything settled and achieve a comfortable routine. There have been a lot of changes already. First, I'm living in a place that actually resembles an apartment: wood floors, bathroom, kitchen. After a good deal of furniture rearrangement, it's livable and rather handsome. Second, I'm trying to get a job doing IT on campus, and it's required me for the first time to compile a resume, which I sent off today in the hopes of attaining employment. Skills will be learned, pay will be 1.5x what I made at the library. Fingers crossed on that one. Third, my classes this semester all appear to be excellent, especially the international politics class I got into through some divine providence. It looks to be one of the best classes I've ever taken, and may lead to some greater ambition for me down the road. Who knows? Aside from that, I'll be spending all of my free time reading. About China. They are coming.

Gah, what else is there to say? I found a green crayon the other night. It struck me as portentious, but then again it could just be a crayon. Like so many things in our life, I could assign abstract meaning to it, make it more than just a crayon. Someone asked me once in regard to my argument that my beliefs and emotions can be rationally explained, "Is there any rational explanation for feeling bad about kicking a puppy?". I had to think about it. I probably wouldn't have to worry about retribution at all, and it's not as if the action has greater rammifications. But why would I inflict pain on another creature? Is inflicting pain arbitrarily an absolutely negative act? Does my repulsion at someone kicking a puppy stem from the recognition of that fact? Another hypothesis I heard was that I could feel some sort of empathy with the puppy, that I only felt bad for the puppy because I know what that kind of pain feels like. There are a great deal of other tangents from this discussion that got thrown around over beer last night, and I'll probably return to them later. For now, I'm tired.

Hope everyone is well.

25th hour...but like, in a good way...kinda

So it's my last night in California for a while...and I spent more than a little of it considering how different this place seems to me now and taking stock of all the people and things I will miss. I will miss my friends, and I will miss having a big sky over my head, as that will soon be replaced with little blue scraps bordered by concrete and glass. To an extent, I will miss the irresponsibility that comes with total dependence, but I will not miss the illusion of stability and stagnation which I have come to realize for what it is. The world has continued spinning while I've been at home, and my life was not put on hold when I returned. Perhaps I could have done more with my time, but these three months meant a great deal, and I have learned and seen and done many things in that time. I think for the first time I've been emboldened by my summer experience, and rather than grasping desperately at my remaining time here I find myself eager to take the next step and return to the work I now see in a different light. Plus there's a pretty girl I'm anxious to see again, so that's going to help the transition I think.

I'm going to miss my parents. I spent a good deal of time with them this summer, and especially in Europe I felt like I was part of a family - not due in any part to the simple (but rather rare) proximity of the three total members of our nuclear family, but rather because of the experiences we were sharing, the reassurance of their familiar personalities in foreign places, and the respect for and pride in each other that we all shared. My parents are truly honorable, amazing people, and my respect for them grows daily. They shaped who I have become, but also gave me the immeasurably valuable ability to think for myself and live my own life. They gave me my life, not simply biologically but intellectually as well. They gave me the ability to think, which is rarer perhaps than one might believe.

While I've said already that I'm going to miss my friends, I think there's a place for them in my future even larger than the one they have in my past, and I'm anxious to share my life with them and have many adventures, because life's too damn short to spend being bored.

The next step begins now.

Discipline

I tend not to be a terribly organized or disciplined person, but I've found that keeping myself on a schedule and trying to minimize the amount of random shit I'm surrounded by at any given time can have a radical effect on my mindset. This kind of self discipline, especially when it comes to enforcing a strict schedule and separating time spent studying and time spent relaxing, gives me a degree of control that I usually lack, and it seems like control has become a precious commodity lately.

Serious discussion will resume soon, I promise.